I really appreciate Meredith letting me get away for a few day but next time I decide to take a 4 day trip, I’m not going to go somewhere they kick me in the nuts for 4 days…
I just spent the past couple days with my brothers from The Society working on strengthening my “Inner Game”. I was dreading going to this intensive as I knew we would be talking about some deep issues that I didn’t believe I would be ready to deal with given my mental and emotional state. We had a group of therapists from Pine Grove guiding us through this journey.
I fought the process for three days even telling the therapists that I was having trouble because I “needed to hold my shit together.” During day 3, I felt about as bad as the day they diagnosed Jackson with neuroblastoma. Cristo Darcy, one of the guys who has been helping Jackson, Meredith, and I since Day 1 of this journey told me that day that he had been “moving some stuff around” to try to get me to crack as it was a “safe place” and he thought I would benefit from it. Although I had complete and total trust in Cristo, I thought he was wrong and I needed to hold everything together to be strong for my family. I went to bed Saturday night pissed and confused why he would do that to me.
On Sunday, we went through some powerful guided imagery that brought us back in touch with our inner child and adolescent. It was a really powerful experience for me as I had learned throughout the weekend that many of my issues stem from my angry adolescent. One of my issues, among many, is that I react to stressful situations by internalizing and putting up walls. After the guided imagery, we broke into small groups and we talked about our experiences. Our therapist Heather was great and pushed me to and straight past the breaking point. It was through this experience that I learned that I can be strong without walling off my emotions. I now realize that reality is different from my long standing cognitive distortion. Being strong does not mean being stoic.
I have no doubt that Jackson will survive but I finally realize that I’m entitled to feel emotions throughout this journey. My pledge to myself, Meredith, and Jackson from this day forward is to be strong but open emotionally. I will be a better man, husband, and father as a result of this and many other lessons from the weekend. It was eye opening to me to see how childhood events have such powerful and long lasting impacts.
I’m so proud of Meredith and Jackson through this journey and together we will deliver nothing less than a mother fucking ass kicking to Jackson’s cancer!